30 something.

I’m taking 35 seriously. Or, heavily. Or calculated? It’s one of those milestone birthdays. But it’s also an age where you feel like ‘oh crap, am I getting old? Am I officially officially an adult? Am I even categorized as a young professional anymore? Will I be judged differently as a 35 year old? Am I where I planned to be at this age?’

It kind of freaks you out. Well, it’s freaking me out and has been since I turned 34. I’ve been so consumed by it that it’s almost hurried my year. I’ve gone back and forth about how I’ll celebrate, too. Do I have some big party? Would people come? Am I too old for that? Do I have my closest girlfriends over for wine and cheese and laughing? Do I announce myself as some #bossbabe and have a photoshoot in a sleek black cape and red lips? Is someone going to tell me it’s time to get a mammogram?

It dawned on me that I’ve always been waiting and I’ve always been a planner. Planning has been good to me but sometimes, and probably this time, it’s ok not to know. It’s ok to not have a plan. In fact, it’s probably better that way. When we’re in middle school we can’t wait for high school. In high school we are desperate for the freedom of college. In college, we just want a salary finally and a cute apartment to decorate. And then we just can’t wait until we can have (x) and live near (y) and be able to travel to (z). We work and on Mondays we can’t wait until Friday.

I don’t want to spend a lifetime waiting. I don’t want to waste my days wishing. I want to take risks. And say no when I don’t want to do something. And say yes when I know I do. Maybe I don’t have a concrete plan. Maybe I don’t know if there’s a certain space to be in at 35. Maybe I don’t have it all figured out. But my gift to myself… what I do know that I want, is to not waste a single day waiting for what’s next. Waiting to smile. Waiting to be called on. Waiting for some big break. Waiting to try something I've been wanting to try.

But rather knowing that the world is mine. My life is mine and I'm in charge of it. AND, that it's OK not having all of it figured out. That we, especially women, beat ourselves up so much and keep ourselves stagnant. Waiting. Wishing. I don't want to do that anymore. Cheers to whatever's next and to taking life by the horns. You only get one on earth anyway. So, do stuff. Try stuff. Dye your hair if you've been wanting to. Wear the dark lipstick. Quit the job. Take the trip. Have the baby. Act on the idea. Take a spa day. Even if it's laying in your car in the backseat using a quarter tank of gas with music playing because you can't really afford a spa day. Just do the thing, that one thing that keeps lurking. No more waiting.

M